alright skin. enough is enough. This is war.
I know you are genuinely upset that its been cold outside, then hot outside, then cold again. But this is Missouri, sweetie. If you haven't gotten used to bipolar weather after 22 years, there's something wrong with you. as a part of the human anatomy aren't you supposed to be down with all this adapting and evolving stuff? I mean seriously.
But you don't have to throw this all out temper tantrum about it. I know the weather and humidity is less than ideal, but just because I want to shave my legs doesn't mean you get to be all like, "you know what would be really fun? Acting like we're on effing FIRE." Which causes me to have to down an ungodly amount of benadryl and have to sleep it off the rest of the day. Think about who you're affecting here.
I've tried to be nice about it, but apparently its been all for naught. I'm sick of you blaming me for things I can't control, and I'm even sicker of you're excuses. Yea yea, so you have this weird combinational heritage of German and Dutch where all their dainty little wives probably stayed away from the sun or sat in church all day while growing nasty man hair on their legs. Well guess what, skin? this is the 21st century, and I'm not about to act dainty or prudish--so you can kiss that ambition goodbye. You're a Stephens--you need to freaking man up!
So, skin, this is how its going to end. I'm pulling out all the stops. I will continue to launch an all out non scented moisturizer assault on you. There will be Aveeno, non-scented soap, new loofahs and shavers, specialty shaving cream, the works. And you're totally going to be attacked with green tea/tea tree infused lotion, and you are going to LIKE it. You're not going to be able to think only of yourself forever.
You've made me miss church for the last time, ma'am.
INCREDIBLY sincerely,
Melinda
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