Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear Taco Bell,

Let's face it. We both knew this day was coming. Trying to go on would only put even more of a strain on our already climactic relationship. I could try to be more sensitive and skirt more around the real issue, trying to save your feelings, but here's the thing: I believe that you deserve the truth, and avoiding your gaze won't help either of us.

Taco Bell, its over between you and me. I can't see you any longer. I can't tolerate the crack that they obviously put in all your food to make it so wonderfully addicting and self medicating. And everyone knows that you've just been using your tasty burritos to draw me in without me noticing. Well the jig is up, Taco Bell. I know you just want to be with me, and lets be frank: I want to be with you too. But I can't take all this lying and manipulation. And furthermore, my arteries just can't handle any more abuse. They're already severely hurt from my last on-going relationship with pasta (it was really just a bad situation all around).

Not only have you been tastily manipulating me, but you've been affecting my relationship with my friends. I have a severe suspicion that you and Casye have been going on for a long time behind my back. I can't blame her really, you are quite irresistible. But that's besides the point. Anytime we rendezvous together and I want to spend quality time with my friends watching a long movie afterward, you always manage to ruin everything. Methane is deadly in more ways than one, you know.

Before you start making accusations I'm just going to clear the air, here. I've found someone else. His name is Crunchy Delicious Crouton Spinach Salad. He loves me for who I am and treats me like a lady. I mean, what defines a gentlemen more than one who gives you 15% of your daily value of Iron and simultaneously gives you a clean colon? I'm afraid he just fulfills my needs better than you do, Taco Bell.

Therefore, we have no choice but to go our separate ways. Don't be sad, darling. It's me, not you. And really, this is better for everyone. You can now openly pursue your relationship with Casye and shower her with tasty quesadillas. And I can do this thing where I can go jeans shopping and actually find something. I feel we can both become better people from this arrangement.

I'm so sorry it had to end this way. Can we still be friends?

Love always,

Melinda

P.S. Ellen sends her regards.