You've already seen the title so I'm going to skip the disclaimers for now. You've committed some crap and I'm calling you on it.
We all know the one's I'm talking about. Words like "sacred bromance", "friend zone", the dreaded "platonic" horrors. Silly bitter quips such as:
"Bros before hos"
"I'm spending the night with my boyfriends, Ben and Jerry"
"Ovaries before brovaries"
"Haters gon' hate."
and my personal favorite,
"Richard, why don't boys like us?"
Believe me, ARCWCP, you definitely have a place in this world. After all, many of you were born from the intelligent minds kindred to the writers of Parks and Recreation and How I Met Your Mother. Strategies trade, Tweets tweet, laughs travel, ice cream is handed out. You've been warmly welcomed into the American English syntax as well as several entries of urban dictionary and the notebook covers of junior high girls everywhere. I can appreciate that.
What I can't appreciate is the attempted weaponry of such pathetic means.
So many of us are fed up with failed daydreams and romantic disasters that we've looked for any and every excuse to lash out. (Remember that title?) You offer services all too willingly in an attempt to advertise every possible use, and we gladly and foolishly accept. But can I examine something here for a moment? Honestly? Has anyone ever effectively expressed themselves or changed anybody's mind via a cryptic facebook status?
You get us, ARCWCP, and that's great. But come on. I've watched countless boys complain about being left in the "friend zone" with no justification. Ask them. Ask them how many girls they've asked out on a date. That's when you'll get the hesitated "umm....well..." blushy answers. What's actually happened, ARCWCP? They've been left in the friend zone by one, count them, ONE girl and they spend the rest of their precious years blaming their loneliness on all womankind. Guess what? I can't read minds. Ask my friends, I'll bet they'll tell remember they can't read minds either. There's this silly presumption that my thought's don't necessarily revolve around boys 24/7. Do you, a boy, want to date me? Ask me to dinner. Sitting there whining about girls not being attracted and why your incredibly subtle signals didn't whisk her off her feet is only going to transition into a self-fulfilling prophecy of epic proportions. I get that rejection is painful, and I remember standing alone in that realm many times. But do you know what that attitude says to us? Really and truly? We aren't worth the risk, and because of that it's somehow our fault you're unhappy.
But it doesn't condense down into only one gender, ARCWCP. Oh no, that'd be far too easy. Neither sides of the fence have green grass, and this is why. Girls keep a list. Readers have ears and eyes that are perking up at this moment. Yes, a list, and this is what it looks like--subconscious or otherwise. Well meaning youth ministers, motivational speakers, gender studies and movie messages alike have encouraged girls to keep a list of everything they want in a man. Have standards! If you don't, you'll end up with a loser! So ladies have obediently kept a mental or physical list of what they're looking for. In itself that's only natural, but its the game that ruins the board. Ladies, how would you like it if every first impression of you was made by a preconceived list? Why should every characteristic about you be judged instantly by a chart of objective qualities that refuses to take into account any sort of personal judgement? I have news for you. People in general are not one dimensional. You know who counts as people? Men. And just like you, men have had an entire background of experiences, values, and choices. When a girl passes off someone because they don't meet certain criteria and don't look or act similar to Channing Tatum, a girl misses an opportunity to know a person, whole and in 3D. Once we take off the rose colored glasses and forget all the movies we've seen, then our expectations can change. Not diminish--change. My advice? Take the list. Burn it.
See, ARCWCP? Entire attitudes are flying around our media culture and its really just ridiculous. Suddenly people my age are acting like 5 year olds with grubby little hands reaching for candy hearts and fairy tales. We forget that relationships take time, work, cultivation. Risk, disaster, apologies. It's a part of the world we live in, but you've wiped our memories.
She put you back in the friend zone? Dress your wounds, dust yourself off, and free yourself for someone who won't.
He won't pursue you? Dry your tears, wait for someone who will, and until then--have goals that don't have to revolve around someone else.
Maybe, just maybe, if we stop living in a state of being pissed off at each other, healthy relationships can actually blossom somewhere.
Till then, stop screwing with our heads ARCWCP, and stay on Community where you belong.
Sincerely,
Melinda
