Dear Every John Mayer Song That's Ever Been Recorded,
Can we just talk about my general distaste for everything about your personality?
Ok, I know you are involved with a celebrity, and you probably get a lot of hate mail in addition to fan mail. But your outbursts are becoming just ridiculous. It would be one thing if you just sort of existed on your own little indie pop label and people with nothing better to do kind of enjoyed you every now and then. But it doesn't work like that, does it? Ohhhh no. you had to be FAMOUS. And not only famous, but HIPSTER. And people have the gall to listen intently and label you as ART.
I. am. disgusted.
John Mayer songs, you have taken the name of music in vain and that's insulting. This is coming from a girl who calls smooth jazz an abomination and gets unnaturally defensive of Scott Joplin.
Ok, so you can strum out a few non-cliche guitar chords and mix them together. Good for you. Too bad its not the chords that dictate the score. Oh yes, they provide the meat and potatoes. But there's this incredible lack of skeleton to your sound. Ever heard of drums? No, constantly using a djembe doesn't count. There's this thing called percussion and apparently you have no idea what it is. Know how I know that? Because you have the exact same beat as well as the same tempo for every song released. Why, John Mayer Songs? Why?
Let's not get started on lyrics. Actually, yes. I changed my mind. Let's discuss you're lyrics. You claim to present this deep angsty poetry that touches the deepest part of a person's soul. It's supposed to be soft and easy and lovely. Let's take a look, shall we?
Exhibit A:
"Say what you need to say,
Say what you need to say,
Say what you need to say,
Say what you need to say."
Exhibit B:
"Your body is a wonderland.
Your body is a wonderland, oh yeah.
Your body is a wonderland."
Exhibit C:
So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change.
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change.
It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change.
Notice anything? I'll help you out. There's one semi poetic phrase in there, thrown in with a verse or two, and then repeated a MILLION TIMES. That's not poetry, lad, that's laziness. Don't misunderstand me, repetitive, rhythmic patterns are a vital part of both music and lyrics. But there is such as thing as too much of a good idea. You know who else used repetitive phrases in his art? Dr. Seuss. And he still managed to do it in an educational manner, rather than an extended form of superbly executed douche-baggery.
You know what you are, John Mayer songs? You're that guy that brings his acoustic guitar to every party he ever attends to make sure the girls are well aware of his deep, sensitive aura. You stand in the corner with the dim lighting, strumming apathetically, and sexily brushing the blonde-dyed brown-dyed black hair out of your eyes while making sure your jeans are tight enough to show off that non existent butt as well as short enough to display one of your chuck taylors that is untied just so. The girls fawn all over your poor, tortured artist soul and I'm willing to bet you get lucky quite a bit.
What, am I wrong?
Didn't think so.
Meanwhile, I'll be over here with my eyebrows raised at you in an expression that says, "Really? We're going to be this immature? Really?"
...
Ok fine, that last part might have been a snub complete with the upturned nose but I'm a little ok with it. When you start putting a little more passion into your work and your listeners, I'll be sure to give your outcome a more sincere listen.
Till then,
--Melinda
